| |
[South Park Mall, day. Inside, a
crowd awaits a special event. A small stage with "PARIS" writ
large in front is set up before a red curtain. Wendy and Bebe
arrive and make heir way to the front.] |
|
Bebe: |
Come on, Wendy, we'er gonna miss it.
|
|
Wendy: |
We're gonna miss what? |
|
Bebe: |
Paris Hilton is making an appearance at
the mall. |
|
Wendy: |
Who's Paris Hilton? |
|
Red: |
"Who's Paris Hilton?" |
|
Annie: |
You don't know? |
|
Announcer: |
[someone takes a picture as he
approaches the mic.] Hello, everyone! [drumroll]
The Guess Clothing Company is pleased to have as its new
spokesperson model, a woman all you young ones can look up to,
Ms. Paris Hilton. [she appears and flashbulbs go off amid
squeals from females in the crowd. She then lifts her bra and
shows off her breasts] |
|
Bebe: |
Wow, that's really her! Paris! Over
here! |
|
Wendy: |
I don't get it. What does she do?
|
|
Annie: |
She's super-rich! |
|
Wendy: |
...but what does she do?
|
|
Red: |
She's totally spoiled and savvy.
|
|
Wendy: |
[annoyed] What does she do?!
|
|
Man: |
[walks by and overhears] She's a
whore. [takes his camera and snaps a few pictures]
|
|
Paris: |
[her left eyelid hangs heavy] Hey
everyone. Sorry if I'm a little spent. I did a whole lot of
partying last night with a LOT of different guys. [coughs
onto her left fist. All that partying can't be good for your
stomach. Of all the females, only Wendy is stunned.]
Anyway, I'm pleased to be here in Douth Dark to announce the
opening of my brand new store! A store where girls can buy
everything they need to be just like me! Stupid Spoiled Whore!
[the red curtain drops to reveal the store. The crowd
cheers] Have fun, girls. And remember to party, and be
super-lame to everybody. Bye! [steps aside and off-stage.
An assistant awaits with water and a tote bag, which has a
Chihuahua in it. She holds out a bottle of water] Give me
that! Fucking Christ I need a drink! [vomits out something
brown, then drinks from the bottle. The assistant arms her
with the tote bag] Where's my dog?! [walks off]
|
| |
[Stupid Spoiled Whore, inside. The
girls rush in as the doors open and begin to mill around. Bebe
leads Red, Jordan and Wendy around. Wendy's still stunned.]
|
|
Bebe: |
Wow, look at all this great stuff.
Stupid Spoiled Whore clothes, Stupid Spoiled Whore dolls,
|
|
Red: |
[walks up to a display case] Hey,
check it out: the new Paris Hilton perfume, Skanque. [grins
and holds a heart-shaped bottle with the name on it]
|
|
Annie: |
[carrying some clothes] Oh yeah,
let's get lots of that! |
|
Wendy: |
You guys, don't buy this stuff. Why do
you want to be like Paris Hilton? |
|
Red: |
It's not just Paris: Britney Spears,
Christina Aguilera, Tara Reid, they're all stupid
spoiled whores! |
|
Wendy: |
But the idea that we'll be whorish for
money is belittling to our gender! |
|
Bebe: |
[now with two armloads of clothes]
Wendy, get a clue. The only thing more important than being
rich is being famous! |
|
Annie: |
Wow, you really sound like a dumb slut,
Bebe. |
|
Bebe: |
Thanks, Annie! [she, Annie, and Red
walk away, and Wendy remains stunned] |
| |
[South Park Mall, parking lot.
Paris's chaffeur holds the limosine door open for her.]
|
|
Paris: |
[quickly arrives and enters the limo]
God, get me out of this hick town! What a bunch of rednecks!
[the driver closes the door, starts up the limo, and drives
off. Inside, she picks up her Chihuahua and starts talking to
it, caressing it] Everybody's so fucking lame. Except for
you, my little Tinkerbell. You love my vewy much, don't you?
How much you wuv me? [Tinkerbell looks like a mirror image
of her, including heavy eyelid] I'm gonna dress you up
like a bunny, and then I'm gonna dress you up like a little
princess. You're mine forever! [her cellphone rings and she
answers it, releasing Tinkerbell.] Whatever! Oh, hey, KC.
Oh, another stupid store opening at some lame cowboy town.
[Tinkerbell jumps down from the seat and walks away dejected]
Oh, it's so fucking stupid, this whole town stinks like cows.
[Tinkerbell is up on the divider and looks down] I
can't wait to get out of here! Grody! [Tinkerbell drops
down onto the front seat...] They have the lamest stores,
too. [... walks over to the driver and digs around his
right coat pocket ...] I'm gonna go to Rome for the
weekend, I think. I dunno, Rome or Tokyo, either way it'll be
totally boring. [... and digs out a small gun from the
pocket.] Stupid. [coughs some mucus onto her left hand]
Hagh. [Tinkerbell carries the gun back to the back seat...]
I need to get wasted. I haven't had a drink in like fourteen
minutes. Why is everybody so stupid anyway? [... and sets
the gun dow long enough to put the barrel against its chin.
Tinkerbell then tries to set the gun off with her right hind
leg. That doesn't work, so she stands the gun up on its butt
and tries again] I flashed all these hicks with my boobs;
you should've seen the look on their faces! Stupid redneck
idiots! [the gun goes off and Tinkerbell falls over, her
brain and blood splattering on the seat's back and rear
window] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! |
|
Driver: |
Oh dear... |
|
Paris: |
Another dog killed itself! |
| |
[A house. Two girls sit at a dining
table doing nothing. Wendy enters and addresses them]
|
|
Wendy: |
Hey Jessie [the blond], hey Kal.
Do you guys mind if I hang out with you? The other girls are
acting really strange. |
|
Jessie: |
Sure, Wendy. We were just trying to
think of something to do. |
|
Wendy: |
Oh, well, you wanna maybe go to the art
museum? |
|
Jessie: |
Nah, that sounds really dull.
|
|
Kal: |
Hey, I know! Let's make a videotape of
us having sex with boys! [Jessie likes the idea]
|
|
Wendy: |
What?? |
|
Kal: |
I just got [brings out a box] the
Stupid Spoiled Whore video playset! [the set comes from
Letcher Price and "Makes you a whore and so much more!"]
|
|
Singers: |
Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset!
|
|
Kal: |
You can make videos that get out on the
Internet! |
|
Jessie: |
Yeah! |
|
Singers: |
Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset!
[Jessie and Kal open the box up and
prepare the camera]
Show the whole world what a slut you are!
[Kal puts on some makeup as Jessie
looks on]
|
|
Announcer: |
Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset comes
with video camera, night-vision filter, play money, losable
cellphone, and sixteen hits of exstacy. [nine hits are
shown] |
|
Singers: |
Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset!
[night-vision footage of Kal
simulating sex is shown]
Let everyone see your coo-oo-ooch!
[The playset box is shown again,
then Kal is shown on the cellphone]
|
|
Kal: |
I'm pretending to be calling my friends
on the cellphone while my man waits for more sex! |
|
Jessie: |
You're a Stupid Spoiled Whore. [Wendy
just turns right and walks away.] Where are you goin',
Wendy? |
| |
[The limosine. Paris is crying over
the loss of Tinkerbell] |
|
Paris: |
Bwaaaaaaa! Waaaaaaaaaaa! |
|
Driver: |
All right, Ms. Hilton, we'll find you
another dog. |
|
Paris: |
[throws a tantrum]
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! |
|
Driver: |
There there now, let's just get you back
home, shall we? |
|
Paris: |
Woooooooooohooooooooooooooohoooooooooooooooo... [notices
somethng outside] Wait! Wait, stop the car! [the limo
proceeds] Stop the car, you fucking moron! [the limo
stops] Look at how cuuute. I want that! I want that!!
|
|
Butters: |
[playing with some apples on a
checkerboard blanket on the front lawn] Lu lu lu, I've got
some apples, Lu lu lu, you've got some too. |
|
Paris: |
It's adorable! [exits the limo and
closes the door] |
|
Butters: |
Lu lu lu, let's make some applesauce,
take off our clothes and lu lu lu! [Paris approaches him]
|
|
Paris: |
Look at his lwittle puff ball!
[Butters is surprised] I'm gonna feed you, and take care
of you, and call you Mr. Biggles! [kneels down and hugs
him] |
|
Butters: |
My name's Butters. |
|
Paris: |
Driver, put Mr. Biggles in the car.
[the driver appears] I want to find a bear costume for
him. Won't he be soo cute dressed up as a bear? |
|
Driver: |
Paris, I believe this is somebody's
child. |
|
Paris: |
I want it! |
|
Driver: |
I don't think you can actually-
|
|
Paris: |
I WANT IT! WANT IT!!! [rocks back and
forth] |
|
Driver: |
All right, all right, come on- come on,
young man |
|
Butters: |
Wa-I'm, Wa-I'm sorry, ma'am. I'd like to
be your boyfriend and all, uh even though you have kind of a
big nose, but my parents told me, "never get into a car with a
stranger." |
|
Paris: |
Well did they say anything about
limosines? [Butters thinks about it. An image of his
parents appears] |
|
Chris: |
Butters, never get into a car with a
stranger! Unless it's a limosine. |
|
Butters: |
Oh.Yeah, actually, they did say that'd
be all right. |
|
Paris: |
[happily] Get in the limo, Mr.
Biggles! We're gonna have a bear costume made for you!
|
| |
[Wendy's house, night. Her parents
are watchng TV and munching on chips on the sofa. She enters
with her head down] |
|
Announcer: |
And now, back to The Price is Right!
[Wendy sighs] |
|
Dad: |
Hi, sweetie. What's the matter.
|
|
Wendy: |
Mom, Dad, I'm growing concerned about
the role models young women have in today's society.
|
|
Dad: |
Oh? |
|
Wendy: |
It seems that lewdness and shallowness
are being exalted, while intellectualism is looked down upon.
|
|
Dad: |
...Gosh. |
|
Wendy: |
I think young women are being marketed
to by corrupt, moral-less corporations. |
|
Dad: |
Well, we'll get right on fixing that,
sweetie. Wanna watch The Price is Right? [Wendy
doesn't answer. Instead, she turns away and walks off slowly,
and her parents go back to eating chips] |
|
Wendy: |
[spins around and walks back]
Dad, there's a new store at the mall called "Stupid Spoiled
Whore" and I'm gonna go there and buy a thong! |
|
Dad: |
[suddenly angered] What?! No
daughter of mine is going to dress like a whore! We're
marching down to that store right now, young lady!
|
| |
[Stupid Spoiled Whore, moments later.
Wendy and her dad enter the store. He looks around]
|
|
Mr. Testaburger: |
Oh my God! Well this place is-! Oh my
God! [approaches a line of girls and their mothers.]
Mrs. Polk, you're buying this stuff for your daughter?!
|
|
Mrs. Polk: |
[giggles] It's what's in right
now. I, I can't have my little girl be the only one not in a
trend; she'll be unpopular. [that little girl is Annie]
|
|
Mr. Testaburger: |
Unpopular?! If she's not a whore?! [Bebe
and her mom now pay attention] But these are our girls!
|
|
Mrs. Stevens: |
I think it's empowering for them. I
mean, sure, if a man wants to be a whore, it's "normal," but
if a woman wants to be one, it's "WRONG." [the other
females murmur in agreement] |
|
Woman 1: |
But, when a man pees standing up, it's
"normal," but when a woman does it, it's "weeeird."
|
|
Females: |
Yeah! Right! |
|
Woman 2: |
Yeah, like, when men shave their balls
it's fine, but when a woman does it she's "straaange."
|
|
Females: |
Yeah! Right! It isn't fair! |
|
Teen Girl 1: |
[caresses Mr. Testaburger] All
the girls in South Park are gonna be total sluts from now on,
so you can just get used to it. |
|
Teen Girl 2: |
[rubs her ass up against Mr.
Testaburger] Yeah. Will you buy me that purse I want over
there? I'll do anything, 'cause I'm a whore. |
|
Mr. Testaburger: |
[more amenable now] Oh, uh uh
sure I, I can buy a purse. |
|
Wendy: |
Dad!! |
|
Mr. Testaburger: |
Nope. Wendy, I think they're right. You
see, you have to believe in the rights of women. For too long
they've had to live a double standard. [enjoying the
affection] Oh yeah. [normal] I'm sorry I've been so
chauvinistic, Wendy. From now on you can have whatever you
want from this store, I'll help make you the stupidest, most
spoiled whore of them all! |
|
Females: |
Yeahah! Hooray! |
| |
[The Stotch house, day.]
|
|
Chris: |
Butters, will you mind telling us why
you're dressed up like a bear?! |
|
Butters: |
[dressed in a bear cub outfit]
Oh, well, uh, my sort-of-girlfriend dressed me up like this.
|
|
Chris: |
Your girlfriend? |
|
Paris: |
[enters the scene] There you are,
Mr. Biggles! [picks Butters up and hugs him] Aw I
thought I'd lost you! [caresses him] Promise you'll
never leave me. [his parents are stunned] |
|
Linda: |
Butters? You're dating Paris Hilton?
[points an accusing finger at him] You are grounded,
mister! |
|
Butters: |
[resigned, shuffles his right foot
around] I'm sorry. |
|
Chris: |
[turns his wife around] Uh,
sweetheart, isn't Paris Hilton worth a lot of money?
|
|
Linda: |
Chris, she's more than twice Butters'
age! |
|
Chris: |
Yes, and more than three billion times
his net worth. Everybody adores that girl, darling. We should
be nice to her too, especially if she's in love with our son!
[they turn around] |
|
Linda: |
Uhm, Paris, would you like to have some
cocoa with us? [Paris coughs some phlegm onto her left hand
and rubs it against the rug] |
|
Paris: |
With schnapps and Scotch. [coughs
some more phlegm onto her hand...] |
| |
[The dining table. The four persons
are seated around it drinking cocoa, with Paris having a
bottle of Scotch alongside the cocoa] |
|
Chris: |
So, Paris, I understand you're from the
prestigious Hilton family. Very nice hotels. |
|
Paris: |
I've gotta get outta here. This place is
stupid. Where am I? Oh, I wanna take Mr. Biggles with me.
|
|
Linda: |
[stunned again] With you where?
|
|
Paris: |
To live with me forever and ever, you
dumb broad. How much? |
|
Linda: |
How much? For Butters? |
|
Chris: |
Butters is our son. He's not for sale.
|
|
Paris: |
I'll give you two hundred million
dollars for it. [Butters is afraid. Chris spits out his
cocoa and puts down his cup] |
|
Chris: |
Escuse me?! |
|
Paris: |
I said I'll give you two hundred
million dollars for it! [Chris spits out his cocoa. Linda
does so as well. Paris whips out a checkbook and pen] I'll
write you a check for Mr. Biggles right now. |
|
Linda: |
Chris, is she serious? |
|
Chris: |
Aj, Butters, why don't you take Paris up
to your room for a little while, uh, Mommy and Daddy have to
talk. |
|
Butters: |
[while Paris writes out a check]
Mom, Dad, I I love you. Please don't sell me to Paris Hilton.
|
|
Chris: |
Butters, right now!! |
| |
[the living room, moments later.
Chris paces the floor as Linda watches on.] |
|
Linda: |
We aren't honestly considering this?
|
|
Chris: |
Darling, Paris is a billionaire. She can
give Butters everything he wants. We'd be terrible parents NOT
to consider it. |
|
Linda: |
But he's our son! |
|
Chris: |
I know, darling, but look: we have to
think about the rest of the family. |
|
Linda: |
The rest of the f- you do mean us?
|
|
Chris: |
Yes, us, the rest of the family.
|
| |
[Upstairs, in Butters' room. The bed
looks nice. Paris is now drunk from the Scotch she added to
her cocoa.] |
|
Paris: |
What should we do, Mr. Biggles? I drank
too much. [falls backward upon the bad] Oh my God, I'm
so wasted! [her genitals are exposed] The room's all
spinny. I'm... totally passing out. [she falls silent.
Butters looks around, then reaches over with his left "paw"
and touches her cooter a few times] |
| |
[South Park Elementary. The class
bell rings and kids clear the hall. Cartman is at his locker,
and near him stand five girls. Wendy walks up to them]
|
|
Wendy: |
Hey Bebe. I heard you were having a
party tonight. |
|
Bebe: |
You wouldn't be interested, Wendy. My
parents are out of town, so it's a Stupid Spoiled Whore party.
|
|
Wendy: |
I'm a stupid spoiled whore. [her
dressed is relaxed: blue jeans and pink tank top with one bra
strap over the right shoulder. The girls laugh at her reply]
|
|
Annie: |
Right. Please, Wendy, you're like Class
President and stuff! |
|
Red: |
Yeah, and you get straight A's in
school! |
|
Bebe: |
You're not even spoiled, because your
parents give money to charity! |
|
Red: |
You don't want to go to this party,
Wendy! We're inviting all the boys, and we're gonna play Spin
the Bottle, and Two Minutes In The Closet, and do ketamine.
|
|
Wendy: |
That's okay. |
|
Annie: |
Oh, please, do you even know what
ketsmine is? |
|
Wendy: |
Yes. |
|
Annie: |
See? You are too smart.
|
|
Red: |
Yeah. We have no idea what ketamine is.
|
|
Bebe: |
Sorry Wendy. You're just not a whore.
Get lost! |
|
Girls: |
Yeah. [Wendy turns around and walks
off sadly. The others laugh at her, then move on to other
topics] |
|
Red: |
Hey, we'd better start invitng boys to
the party. |
|
Sally: |
Oooo look, here comes Clyde.
|
|
Bebe: |
Party at my house tonight, Clyde. You're
invited. [Clyde walks by, wondering what these girls are on
about] |
|
Millie: |
Mmm, I'd like a piece of that!
|
|
Red: |
I wanna do him. |
|
Annie: |
Oh, yeah. Here comes Kyle. [Cartman,
still at his locker, looks over. Kyle passes by]
|
|
Sally: |
Mmm, talk to me, kosher boy. [Cartman
turns around to see what the girls see] |
|
Millie: |
I'd like to swivel his pixie stick.
|
|
Bebe: |
Party at my house tonight, Kyle.
|
|
Annie: |
Tweek and Jason - that'd be a great
three-way. [Tweek and Jason walk by] |
|
Red: |
Yeah, they're invited too. |
|
Sally: |
Jason has a huge bulge. You're gonna get
it, boys. |
|
Bebe: |
Now here's what I'm talking about.
[Token appears and walks by] A little midngith blue!
|
|
Millie: |
Yeah, I'd like to wax his crankshaft!
|
|
Annie: |
Be at Bebe's house, tonight, at seven!
[Cartman clears his throat, closes his locker, and walks
past the girls. Not one of them says a thing.]
|
|
Sally: |
Look, here comes Kevin. [Kevin
appears and walks by] |
|
Bebe: |
Hey Kevin, party at my house.
|
|
Millie: |
I'd like to gargle his marbles.
|
|
Red: |
Yeah, you said it. [Cartman runs back
along the hall in such a way that the girls don't notice]
|
|
Sally: |
See you there, Kev. [Cartman tries
again, and the girls notice.] |
|
Cartman: |
"Dude, there's Cartman. We should invite
him to the party for sure." [the girls say nothing. Cartman
stops, gets angry, and walks back to the first girl he saw,
then flips each one of them off. He flips Red off with both
hands.] Fuck you Millie, fuck you Annie, fuck you Bebe,
fuck you whatever your name is, and fuck you, bitch!
[leaves.] |
| |
[Butters' room. He's gotten
interested in Paris' genitals, poking at her coochie]
|
|
Butters: |
Huh. Didn't I... Whoa, that's the
darnedest thing I ever saw. [upon hearing a knock on the
door, he gasps and stops probing Paris] |
|
Chris: |
Ms. Hilton? Uh, Ms. Hilton. |
|
Paris: |
[awakens and sits up] Eugh. Where
am I? Ew! This room's all middle-class and small! |
|
Chris: |
Ms. Hilton, we've talked it over all
night and ...while your offer is enticing, I'm afraid we just
can't sell you our son for two hundred million dollars. It'll
have to be two hundred and fifty million, cash, up front.
|
|
Butters: |
Oh hamburgers! |
|
Paris: |
Yay Mr. Biggles, you're mine forever!
|
|
Butters: |
[jumps off the bed and runs to Linda]
Please! Ah I don't want to live with her! She snores real bad,
and she has a huge nose, and a squishy thing that lives in her
pants! Please! Please don't sell me to her! [the parents
look at each other] |
|
Chris: |
All right, Butters, tell you what: if
you can raise the two hundred and fifty million dollars
yourself, you can stay. |
|
Butters: |
Uh, well huh, how am I supposed to make
that kind of money?? |
|
Chris: |
It's called "working" young man! Your
grandfather was a coal miner for fifty years; he never
complained! Get out there and start digging! |
|
Butters: |
Y-yes sir! [rushes out of the room]
I-I gotta... mine some coal... really fast! |
|
Chris: |
[to Linda] That should keep him
busy for a while while we get this transaction finished. Now,
Ms. Hilton, how should we start? [they both grin]
|
| |
[Bebe's house, night. The living room
is all decked out in disco furnishings. A disco ball hangs
from the ceiling and harmless laser beams shoot here and
there. The girls are enjoying themselves while the boys have
mixed expressions.] |
|
Millie: |
[stands next to the closet while a
crowd of girls looks on] Okay, that's two minutes. You can
come out, Clyde, Bab. [the door opens and Bab comes out
grinning] How was he, Bab? |
|
Bab: |
[winks at Clyde] We had a great
time, didn't we Clyde? |
|
Clyde: |
[walks out crying with his hands
rubbing his butt] Aaaaah, owieeee, owieeee. [a knock is
heard at the front door and Red goes to answer it.]
|
|
Cartman: |
[dressed very casually, with hair
slightly unkempt] Oh, hey, What's goin' on? I'm uh, here
for the party. |
|
Red: |
[not fooled] Yeah? Who invited
you? |
|
Cartman: |
Oh uh uh Kelly. Kelly invited me.
|
|
Red: |
Kelly who? |
|
Cartman: |
Kelly Rutherford Menskin. |
|
Red: |
[looks over her shoulder and calls
out] Kelly Rutherford Menskin? |
|
Kelly Menskin: |
[approaches the door] Yeah?
|
|
Red: |
Did you invite him? |
|
Kelly Menskin: |
No! [goes back inside. Red closes the
door on Cartman] |
|
Cartman: |
Oh wait wait wait, aah it wasn't her.
That's right, I forgot, it was uh... Kelly Pinkerton Tinfurter
|
|
Red: |
[turns around and calls out]
Kelly Pinkerton Tinfurter? |
|
Kelly Tinfurter: |
[sharing a wading pool with Token and
another girl] What? [Red glares at Cartman]
|
|
Cartman: |
[under his breath] Oh Goddamnit!
|
| |
[Mr. Garrison's house, night. The
doorbell rings and he goes to answer it. It's raining outside
and thunderclaps roll soft and deep] |
|
Mr. Garrison: |
|
Money
Fun
Top News
Photos
My Paris!
Forum
Be My Savior
